The Influence of Women

Yesterday, I went to visit a friend who I hadn't seen in years. We were missionary companions in Arizona a few years ago, and while I always felt close to her and enjoyed her company, after our missions our paths took us to different locations for a few years. Now she has two kids and I have one (we both had babies last October!) and she is living just a few minutes from me.

We had an absolutely lovely day, catching up while changing diapers and feeding babies. She gave birth to both of her children at home, and she talked about how incredible those experiences were. We talked about our desires for women to understand their incredible abilities and be supported in the choices they have in their many roles in life, particularly in marriage, pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and parenting.

When I was with her, the time just flew by. I wasn't afraid to talk to her about anything, because she is so supportive and understanding. She is so genuine. Her attitude, her intelligent children, her beautiful home; being with her makes me a better person. Every woman needs friends like that.

And I am very blessed in that department--almost every day this week I have been/will be in the company of amazing women- my mom, my sister, some of the other amazing childbirth educators in Utah, close friends from church, my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-laws. How lucky am I!

On the contrary, though, I have seen how the influence of women can not be as positive. I follow an online forum that is mostly comprised of women and have seen how bitterness and hurt can breed ugliness. I am hopeful, though, and have seen already, that many women with grace and love can meet that bitterness and anger, allow it it's moment, and move forward with compassion and optimism.

I have also seen (and experienced) women who tend to isolate themselves from other incredible women, for fear of being judged, or feeling like they don't "measure up." How sad it is to miss out on these experiences!

Days after my daughter was born, I was sitting at home in the middle of the day one day, in sweats, with no makeup and messy hair (and probably assorted baby fluids on my clothes). Someone knocked at the door. My house was a mess. I was tempted not to answer it, but I did. There stood a woman from church who I've always looked up to. She came over with a simple gift of diapers and wipes. She walked over with her dog and had not done her hair or makeup, and was also wearing sweats. I was grateful for the diapers and wipes, but even more grateful for her messy hair, lack of makeup, and the incredible wisdom she shared in just the few minutes we talked at the door. She spoke of her time as a new mom and totally validated my feelings (without me sharing anything!). I was so grateful I'd answered the door, despite my appearance.

All of these experiences and observations have led me to ask myself: what influence do I have as a woman? Do I lift others? Am I sharing my experiences in a nonjudgmental way that promotes choice and empowers women?

It is my belief that we do our best work at lifting others when we aren't afraid to share our real selves. I hope that I wouldn't turn away from helping a friend because of my insecurities.

These women help me define the woman I want to become. I hope that, with their influence and the support of my ever-loving husband, I will be able to become that woman.

As a childbirth educator, the question is often posed: who should I invite to be present at my birth? That question is a very personal one, and between a couple to decide for themselves. When my baby was born, the only people in the room were myself, my husband, and our midwife. It was perfect in the moment. However, I would encourage you to consider the strength that women give each other. I felt that strength from our midwife and from the women who I knew were offering their love and support and experience to me, even if not in the room.

I would encourage you, always, but especially while pregnant and as a new mom, to find women who lift you, and surround yourself with them. Hopefully, by doing so, we can all be a little bit better.

More Than Enough

So, I will admit that I'm lazy when it comes to socks (well, not only socks, but that's all I'm admitting to at the moment). Often, when I'm trying to quickly get a load of laundry put away, I'll end up with socks at the bottom of the basket who don't have their partner. This caused me to start a pile for those unmatched socks.

Fast forward, that happens many times, until I have a huge pile of unmatched socks and no sock pairs in my sock drawer. Rushing out the door, I will admit to grabbing two unmatched socks that are "close enough" (i.e. both roughly the same color) to wear for the day. This, of course, only continues the problem because these unmatched socks are then washed in the same load and end right back up in the pile.

Today, while my baby was taking a much-needed nap (obviously needed, if the nap was long enough for me to get to this task!), my husband and I finally attacked the sock pile. Amazingly, after all those miscellaneous loads of laundry contributed their single socks, many pairs were found.

There is a point to this story...and here it is:

If you'd asked me yesterday if I needed new socks, I would have answered, "Yes! I never have enough socks. It's so frustrating every time I get dressed."

And now, after just a small effort, my sock drawer contains more than enough.

How many times does this happen in life? (and not just with other types of laundry...or maybe silverware...)

How often do we tell ourselves that we don't have enough ________ (fill in the blank: courage, strength, energy, time, etc.) when we just aren't looking in the right places? It didn't take that much work for us to match up those pairs and find out how many we really had.

I think this applies to expecting women--particularly those desiring a natural birth. Have you ever heard, "Natural birth is great, but I'm just not _________ enough." Or, "I think that's neat that some women do that, but I could never because I'm ____________."

For most of those women, they absolutely have everything they need. Women's bodies were made to grow and birth babies! Our bodies are incredible! They have the ability, the strength, the courage, the endurance, the love, etc. Sometimes, a woman just might not realize that she has what she needs. It might take a little work to help her realize that she has more than enough.

The challenge is to figure out what are we missing, and what work will it require to get us to where we want to be. I see this transformation happening as women (and couples) gain knowledge about birth and their bodies as they attend Brio Birth classes- they realize that they do have more than enough to give birth in a way they desire.

My mind is geared towards birth at the moment, but I know this situation could apply in so many other ways. I hope the next time I try to limit myself by saying that I'm not _________enough, I'll be willing to put in the work to find out that I do have what it takes.

At the end of our sock-matching party, were all the socks matched? Nope! There was still a small pile, but that's okay. We are better for the work we put in, and our drawers are full! Sometimes life is like that, too--we put in all this work to plan our "perfect birth" and afterwards, there are a few things we'd do differently. And that's okay.

What are you willing to find out about yourself? What work will it take? If you've already tried, what will you improve for next time?

I'm optimistic. I'm going to keep those unmatched socks a while longer...maybe they'll make it into the drawer next time.

"Mom Up"

A few months ago, I read a blog post where the author coined the phrase "Mom Up." She defined the phrase, "To 'mom up' means to do the right thing for your kid no matter how hard it is." I haven't been able to get that idea out of my head since then.

I almost feel guilty even using that phrase when I think about the circumstances in which is was created. The author of the blog is Brandi, Scarlett's mom.  Scarlett is a beautiful little baby who was born 9 days before I gave birth to Molly. When Scarlett was two months old, it was discovered that she had a brain tumor. Her mom has chronicled their journey of hope in their blog (brandiandchris.blogspot.com). In this honest chronicle, she admits that she has often had "mom up" moments, when she had to do excruciatingly difficult things because it was best for her daughter.

I don't know them personally (I heard about Scarlett on the "October 2010 Babies" message board at babycenter.com) and I'll admit I haven't read most of the posts or followed all of her journey. It hurts my heart to think of all they have had to go through, but everytime I do take a peek to check their progress, I rejoice to see pictures of Scarlett growing.

My role, however, is not to tell Scarlett's story. That is done very beautifully on their blog. I wanted to write about the idea of sacrificing for your children- to "Mom Up."

If I could take the liberty of exploring her concept, I might expand her definition a bit, "To 'mom up' means to do the right thing for your kid no matter how hard, inconvenient, or exhausting it is." (my addition in bold).

I am blessed with an incredibly good baby. She slows me down running errands because she smiles huge, whole-face smiles at everyone and they have to stop me to talk to her and tell me how adorable she is. Her demeanor is so happy and patient (for the most part, and patience is relative for a 5 month old).

However, today, for whatever reason, she had more of a rough day. At times screamed and screeched at high decibels in pitches I don't know how to imitate. Her nap schedule was definitely off--maybe she was just overtired? Maybe she wasn't feeling well or teething? Not sure. At one point as she was screeching, my husband said to her, "That sound is endearing because it is coming from you. If it were coming from anyone else, it would be downright annoying." It was a good reminder to me.

Anyway, having this slightly frustrating day helped me to reflect on the (familiar?) less-than-ideal moments as a mom:

--the middle-of-the-night times when I groan slightly as I slowly open my eyes to care for her, remembering how I never knew how good I had it to sleep uninterrupted

--the times when I'm trying to get something accomplished on the computer and she wants to "help" (which means grab anything in sight especially the keyboard and mouse)

--the times when I have been trying to accomplish a simple task, something that used to take me 15 minutes that can now take seemingly all day

--the times when I'm worn out and really wish I could just hand her over to someone else so I can have a moment, but that usually ends up being the time when she's starving, and I'm the one who can fill that need

--the times I remember how I used to feel successful by completing an important task work, when now sometimes success seems to be defined by the size of my laundry pile

Yep, I can be selfish sometimes! Wow, these sound so petty, and I hope no one takes this the wrong way. I feel so blessed (especially considering what some families go through) that I never want to complain. Most parents (or even prospective parents), however, hopefully see where I'm going with this---having a child means putting someone else's needs in front of your own--even when it is hard or inconvenient.

Being a mother is a job that comes with no off-time, no sick days, and no retirement. Some days will be easier than others. Some times she'll be babysat and I'll have a relaxing dinner with my husband or do something for myself--but even then, I'll be her mother--and she'll be my greatest concern.

And it is a privilege.

Those moments to "mom up" lead to some of the greatest blessings:

--the moment when she first arrived, and I held her little body in my arms, knowing my life had changed forever

--being rewarded with one of her incredible smiles

--listening to her giggle as we play

--watching her sleep peacefully, and knowing a huge portion of my heart belongs to her

--to hold her close, be able to fill her tummy with incredible nutrition, and watch her find contentment



While I look forward to so many more of these incredible moments in the future, I know it will also require sacrifices, some small and others larger. I look forward to that opportunity.

This opportunity to sacrifice starts even before birth-- pregnant women can "mom up" by having the courage to create the best possible environment for their baby to be born into (which can include anything from getting out of a dangerous relationship to eating well for baby's development!).

I believe becoming educated in each stage of parenthood, and being an advocate for yourself and your child, is an important way to "mom up." It might start with taking a Childbirth Class :-D when you're pregnant, but it doesn't end there. Being a mom means choosing to make decisions for your family based on what you think is best--that's incredible, and also an intimidating responsibility. Yet, we embrace that responsibility to do our best for the ones we love the most. That's what it means to be a mom.

Everyday, around the world, millions of women "Mom up" in small, ordinary, repetitive ways...and sometimes in very dramatic and poignant ways.

The next time you have an opportunity to "mom up," I hope you will recognize it as a point of growth- and a step towards those incredible, rewarding mommy moments. It is so worth it.


P.S. And yes, there are awesome men who "Dad up" as well--like my amazing husband!

My journey to Teaching Childbirth Education

I knew the childbirth would be a defining moment of my life. We dreamed and hoped for our baby long before we actually held her. One of the most important parts in planning my birth was that I would be able to hold my baby immediately and not have her taken away. This desire, among others, led me to pursue natural birth with a midwife in a birth center.

Having made that choice, I felt a responsibility to be prepared for that birth. My husband and I took natural childbirth classes, which helped me have a healthy pregnancy and helped us feel prepared for birth. Our educator did a wonderful job of helping us to be informed of the many decisions we would need to make during pregnancy, labor, delivery, and newborn care. With this preparation, we had a wonderful birth experience (see previous post).

After the birth of our daughter, I found that I couldn't stop talking about birth and how amazing that experience could be. I wanted everyone to know how amazing their bodies are! I was (and still am) in awe of the process of pregnancy and birth.

Every pregnant woman deserves an empowering birth experience, whether it is her first or last pregnancy (or somewhere in between). Click on Childbirth Classes above to get more information about classes offered through Birth Utah.

Not close enough? Send me a message and I can help you find a wonderful childbirth educator near you!

Molly's Birth Story

What better way to start my Birth Utah blog than with the birth story of my daughter, Molly? I apologize that it is pretty lengthy, detail-oriented, and honest. Molly's birth was a defining experience of my life (and our life as a family!). I hope sharing my experience will help you to look forward to your next birth!

Molly’s Birth Story

Molly’s due date was Monday, October 18, 2010, but I didn’t have regular, lasting contractions until Sunday, October 24, 2010. The contractions started Sunday morning, but were not very intense. I went to church, where I helped to take care of 22 kids in the nursery, and we were so busy I didn’t really notice how often the contractions were occurring. When I finally sat down, I noticed that the contractions were about 15-20 minutes apart. After church, my husband and I ate lunch and tried to nap, but the contractions were enough to make napping difficult. We relaxed and got our things together just in case it ended up being the “real thing.” I baked some cookies and we made a frozen pizza for dinner, all the while timing the contractions, which were happening about 5 minutes apart and lasting for just under a minute.

Around 6pm, we called our midwife to let her know that we might be coming in to the birth center later on. She was very supportive and told us to keep her updated. After we ate, we watched the movie Madagascar while I bounced on the exercise ball, packed our birth bags, chatted on facebook, and wrote an email to work. Around 9:30, I decided I didn’t want to be at home anymore. I was concerned that if I waited too long the drive to the birth center might be stressful and miserable.

We arrived at the birth center at 10pm. It was beautiful, calm, and exciting. The contractions seemed to calm down after we got there. Our midwife checked me and said I was only 2 cm dilated (but 75% effaced) and not in active labor. I was disappointed and felt a little silly for showing up too soon! She offered to let me try to sleep (which I knew wasn’t going to happen) or to give me cohosh to try to get the contractions into a more regular, productive pattern. We decided to try the cohosh.

The cohosh seemed to make the contractions come closer together and be a bit more intense. I was laying on the comfy bed with my husband, trying to relax and read our books. It felt better to lean over on the bed and have him put LOTS of pressure on my tailbone area. I listened to an affirmations CD on the background, which was a little bit helpful to remind me of what was happening (each of these contractions was totally normal and getting me closer to my baby!). The mood was still pretty light and chatty.

About an hour later, our midwife said the cohosh would have worn off, but the contractions continued steadily. We watched part of the movie Bugs Life until about 2am, when she checked me again. It had been 4 hours since she checked the first time and I had only dilated 1 cm more—3 cm total! Disappointing again, but I tried to remind myself not to do “labor math” and let my body do what it needed to do. We tried to watch the rest of the movie, but at that point the contractions were too intense for me to watch the movie.

My husband and I went back into the bedroom, and then I decided to sit on the toilet for a bit. At this point, it seemed like everything picked up quite a bit. I threw up all my dinner, which made me feel a lot better. (Pizza probably wasn’t the best choice!). It felt like my body was trying to get rid of everything else so it could focus on helping the baby could come out!

At 4am, she checked again since my labor seemed more intense. Only 4 cm dilated! I couldn’t believe it; although I was so distracted by the contractions to really be upset. They were intense and I began to moan through them, which helped. It felt best to squat (over the toilet) and I got sick 2 more times that hour.

The midwife told me I could get into the waterbirth tub at 5am and it couldn’t come fast enough! I knew that if she was telling me I could get into the tub she must be thinking I was making some progress. A minute or two before 5, she told me I could get in. The feeling of slipping into that warm water was incredible! It felt so good and helped me relax quite a bit.

For the next two hours, I went back and forth between the tub and the toilet (which were right next to each other). In the tub, it felt best to be on all fours and have someone pour warm water over my back.

Around 6:30 (?) I was involuntarily pushing at the top of each contraction. Later on I was trying to push with the contractions. At one point I was in the tub and our midwife had me reach down and touch the top of her head. It was exciting to know that we were getting close, but it also felt like she was never going to come! I remember telling my husband, “I want to be done. I don’t want to do this anymore.” and telling the baby, “Come on, baby…come out for me.”

My water had not broken and it was making the pushing so difficult. The midwife offered to try to break my water. We waited for a while, but eventually I decided that I wanted her to try to break my water. She tried to hook the bag to break it, but said that the bag was so tough she couldn’t break it without hurting Molly’s head. She thought she’d snagged it and hoped that might be enough for it to break as I pushed- or we thought Molly might be born in the sac! I got back in the tub and kept pushing. They (my husband and midwife, the only people in the birth center with me) kept trying to remind me to use low moaning sounds, which helped me try to maintain control. It was hard to feel like I was staying under control and not panicking, but they did a great job of keeping me focused.

I was given more hope when our midwife went to put orange rolls in the oven so they’d be ready for us to eat after Molly appeared; I knew we must be relatively close at that point!

I continued to push and could feel the burning as she began to crown. It was difficult to know how much to push and when to breathe to try to prevent tearing. Finally I just kept pushing and pushing because I knew that I wanted her to come out! I remember feeling more pressure as her head crowned and hearing the midwife say “okay, good, now slow down” and I responded, “I’m not doing anything!” as Molly came out in one movement (her shoulders were smaller than her head).  I didn’t see her come out (I was on all fours), but the midwife had me reach down and pick her up. She reached over and pulled Molly’s cord off her neck and shoulders, then I was able to hold Molly close to my body and the midwife put a towel around her. It was so incredible to hold my baby and my husband was right behind me, holding my shoulders and looking at our baby. She looked up at us and cried just a bit. We talked to her and told her how excited we were to meet her and how much we love her. That was the moment I had wanted and planned for- that I was the first to hold my baby and no one took her away from us! I was in awe of what my body had accomplished--without need for drugs or substantial interventions! How empowering! Molly was born on October 25, 2010 at 7:48 a.m.

We sat in the tub waiting for her cord to stop pulsing, then the midwife clamped it and my husband cut it. I handed Molly to my husband when I was feeling the pressure of the placenta. Our midwife could see part of the placenta and when I stood up to change positions, all of the placenta was quickly delivered in one piece. She rinsed me off a bit and we went to the bed, where I was able to hold Molly to my breast as I was checked out. I had a few small abrasions, but didn’t need any stitches. We just loved holding her and looking at all her beautiful features. We were in love with her instantly.

After a while of holding her, my husband took her over to the midwife to weigh (7lb 13 oz) and measure (20 ½ inches) her. We sent text and picture messages to everyone to let them know that she’d arrived.  My husband fed me some orange rolls and juice when I took ibuprofen. Then we tried to rest, but Molly wasn’t having that- she hated that her hands were in the swaddle. Her daddy took her and held and enjoyed her while I closed my eyes for a few minutes.

Our midwife made us a wonderful breakfast (huckleberry pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, etc.). Our families came to visit around 1pm, then the midwife checked out Molly and we went home at 4pm. We had the best 2 hour nap of our lives, and enjoyed our time at home as a new family.